my story of infertility and miscarriage

I have told a number of personal stories on this blog over the last seven years, ranging from funny to frustrating. Always, my aim is to write in a manner that is authentic to who I am and illustrates my understanding of a compassionate God. I never want to preach, but only practice.

Somehow, the story I am sharing today hasn't been written until now. It was a story hard to write for myself, but strangely, I felt compelled to write it for someone else. Sometimes it is hard to put all of those tears and emotion into articulate printed words until the purpose and timing is right. I would like to humbly ask for your support as this story is my very first guest post ever, found over at the blog All-American Mom.

May is a month celebrating mothers, and a crucial reminder to me that though I now have three sweet, loving, loud, silly kids pounding through my home, it very nearly might not have been. This is part of the reason that I resonated with Sarah Philpott's heartfelt exhortation to start a cultural shift recognizing ALL types of mothers on Mother's Day: "the moms who have a precious baby they can hold in their arms, the moms whose sweet babies are in heaven, and the women whose heart desire was to be a mom." (allamericanmom.net)

I have been in all three of those categories at one time or another. Though it illustrates one of the harder aspects of my life over the past decade, I wouldn't trade it in because out of this journey comes a newer, deeper love for all women and women's issues, and redefines my ability to minister to them.

The story begins here...

"From the time I was a teenager I’d had issues with my reproductive system. Every doctor I saw for the issue treated it the same way – with birth control pills. I was told there was nothing they could do until I was ready to get pregnant. At age 15 that desire seemed a long way off, but even then I understood the reality that I would one day have trouble conceiving..."

Follow this link to keep reading this guest post at All-American Mom...http://allamericanmom.net/journeyofinfertility/

(I'll see any comments left on her blog... thank you!)

Below are some photos of my mother's day, which started with some morning snuggles by some VERY excited children who couldn't wait to make me feel special by waking me up early.

The rest of the day included a drive and beautiful coastal hike at Pigeon Point lighthouse (South of Half Moon Bay near San Francisco) and Ano Nuevo where you can walk amidst the crowds of breeding elephant seals. Plenty of wildflowers were picked illegally and handed to me in loving bouquets. 

Those aren't rocks back there, they are elephant seals!

a season abroad

This is a continuation of my last post, which may be important background information for what our family is doing next. I didn't intend to leave the end of that last post hanging mysteriously... I just wasn't ready to put it out there in all of its permanence on the internet.

So many details are left unconfirmed, subject to change, negotiable. We are building an entire trip around details we don't have control over. There are days when that fact is the cause of major anxiety. The future is so uncertain... and yet... isn't it always uncertain?

Walking forward continues to seem like the right thing to do, one step at a time, not being able to see clearly down the long path but only knowing what is right in front of us. This is not to be a trip planned around knowing all of the details. In fact, the one thing we are counting on is that the details are certain to change.

Perhaps this is because the purpose of our journey is wrapped up in who we want to become rather than where we want to end up. It is accurately a journey, rather than a destination.

In two short months our family is going to embark on a character shaping, patience trying, comfort stretching, stressful but exciting journey lasting around 8 months to........ GERMANY and SWITZERLAND!

To satisfy curious minds, the skeleton plans are as follows: My husband has applied to a masters' program in public health at the University of Basel (Switzerland) which will begin in the fall. We hope to live over the border in Germany and enroll the girls in a bilingual German/English school for language, culture, and community. To help finance the journey, we have begun the process of setting our California home up to be rented out. My personal role overseas will be much of the usual caring for my family and supporting the dreams of my spouse, except in an unfamiliar country where I am attempting to also learn the language. When I can steal the time, I will update this blog with any of the usual or unusual lessons God is teaching us through the rhythm of daily life. We aim to arrive in Europe early to give a bit of extra time for getting settled and exploring before school starts in September.

There are a number of problems with these plans, starting with the fact that my husband has not yet been accepted to his program, and we don't yet have visas to live in a foreign country. My husband has to quit his job to make this work, and most of us don't speak German. Let me reiterate, this is not to be a trip about the details. We will humbly accept any prayers for the way things fall into place, because right now all we actually have in hand is our plane tickets!

Dreaming this up began with a whole series of circumstances that I can't even begin to explain. We have been processing what it might look like to live creatively, then seized an opportunity arising from a job transition. Blending that with a desire to live abroad for a season as a way of learning to see the world through the eyes of another person led us to where we are right now. All of it steeped in prayer. On top of that, my husband has always had a deep heart for Europe and its people. The echo resounding in my head is that when a place and a people group call your name, it is never an accident.

There are plenty of people I know doing far more courageous things, living in far reaches of the globe, serving God as missionaries to the world's injustices. It is a great calling, and I want to be clear that not for a minute do we pretend to compete. In God's kingdom, however, every one of us is called to live with a missional heart. In Africa or the United States, in El Salvador or in Europe, in poverty or in wealth, as a pastor or a mailman. We are each challenged to live our individual lives in way that speaks loudly of who Jesus Christ is. Pursuing that missional call has led us to this juncture. Whatever the big picture reason, pursuing a season abroad seems to be the next thing for us.

Thus we are following loosely laid plans of men with a sensitivity to discerning the greater plans of God. We go with missional hearts in a desire to be part of community, linger in conversations, love boldly in Truth and be challenged in our world view. It is the kind of mission that may change our own selves more than it changes the people we meet.

If you want to follow along with our adventures, this blog will be the place to do it. We may need your comments to encourage and re-inspire along the way. (There is a place to sign up for email updates in the margin on the right if you aren't good at remembering to check on your own.) I can't promise regular updates, but I do promise to be authentic about the trials and joys of our travels, and the baby steps we take in seeking to become the kind of people that God wants us to be with the kind of character that God wants us to have.

UPDATE (6/1/2016): My husband was accepted to the masters' program he applied to at the University of Basel!  This is one more piece that fits into the greater puzzle, but it apparently does not guarantee our visas to stay for longer than 90 days. We hope to get word about those by August.

**above photos taken in Austria looking into Switzerland the last time we visited in 2013**