instead of pursuing happiness

When I first met the man I would one day marry, I feared I was too young to settle down. There was so much that I had yet not done. He met me at a time in my life when my future stretched grandly in front of me. I had visions of living abroad, learning new languages, traveling the world on a budget, meeting interesting foreigners, and practicing a life of abandon that both honored God and gave me global experiences.

It was still in the early days of the relationship, however, when I wondered if, despite the many unfinished goals on my list, God might be intentionally pairing us. He had put a man in front of me who shared so many of my dreams. Travel and global adventures being a few of them.

In our first years of marriage, he challenged my ideas in the best of ways and took me to places I had never heard of before. We honeymooned on the Cook Islands, got our scuba certificates on the island of Utila (Honduras), served on medical mission teams in rural El Salvador, and in between jobs spent 3 months backpacking through Europe sleeping on trains and in some of the dumpiest hotels imaginable.

That was all before children entered the picture. Something happens to those dreams of wild and unconventional adventures when our families start to grow. We begin to pursue stability and consistency, schedules and routines, dependability and sleep. Mostly we pursue all things related to sleep. Stability is a necessity of survival during the little years.

Last week, my husband and I celebrated 13 years of marriage. I like this photo from our date night out because we look happy. And we are happy... mostly. Happiness doesn't happen on its own though.

In fact, we have spent the majority of the past year in conversations together processing some of the deeper issues of what this life should be all about. We find ourselves in a place with much of that dearly sought stability... with a house, and a big yard, and two cars, and three kids, and a good school, and nice friends, and a Bible-teaching church. This is what it looks like to live the quintessential American dream. We can feel immensely grateful for the blessings of this season in our life, at the same time as we wrestle with that niggling feeling in our hearts that this isn't the end of the story for us. Because never have we been fooled into thinking that pursuing the American dream is what makes "happy".

There was that time in my youth when I saw myself as an adventurous go-getter, but someone much more subdued has emerged out of me in these recent years of raising small children. Anything outside of our routine, that doesn't involve staying at home, with access to my car, and the closet full of entertaining toys for the kids, and the familiarity of my community just sounds really hard to me.

Perhaps it is for this reason that my personal journey this year has been to surrender more. That journey, and my husband's own mid-life "reflection", as we have come to call it, is leading us to let go of some of our so called stability in order to make room for the next thing God might have for us. We are being challenged not to fall into the trap of pursuing the things that deceptively lure us to a place we never intended to end up. Anything other than God that begins to master or motivate us can become a false promise to perceived happiness.

Our trust and hope cannot rest in the pursuit of stability, or the pursuit of empty promises, or even in the pursuit of happiness itself. More accurately, happiness comes as a kind of by-product to the pursuit of God's best. When we are becoming who God uniquely and individually created us to be, fulfilling our purpose in Him, then sometimes along the way we are gifted with that wonderfully warm feeling called "happy". The hard days still exist, but perhaps happiness finds us a little more often when the dreams we are pursuing mostly belong to God.

My husband continues to challenge and stretch my ideas, and he gets the major credit for what we are about to do next. I am not ready to reveal here on this public space quite yet, but keep checking back! Thirteen years into our marriage, another great adventure awaits. In fact, after thirteen years, the adventures just keep getting better... stay tuned for more details!

In the meantime, here are some photos of our past weekend/anniversary/family trip to a place that gives me a glimpse into God's incredible imagination - Yosemite National Park.

Upper and Lower Yosemite Falls at peak water flow due to snow melt
- the tallest falls in the United States with a vertical drop of 2425 feet.

twelve years

Twelve years ago on the twelfth we walked an aisle, shared vows, listened to the singing of dear friends, and said "I do" to a life together.

It feels like it should be a momentous occasion to celebrate with the man who has walked beside me for the past twelve years. I have learned, however, not to let my expectations run wild on me. With three small children there are inevitable surprises and unpredictability. Celebrations will rarely live up to my expectations. I refuse to wallow in disappointment over the absence of Pomp and Circumstance for the day.
 
This anniversary arrives at the end of a very long week. A week that will be branded into my memory as one of the very most intense of my entire life. Full of emotion and friendships and company and studying for certifications and spring break and paperwork and endless cleaning and fun and stress, and thankfully no sickness. If there had been sickness it would have put me over the edge. We have had a week of Open Houses and realtors, and I have so much more to write about this as soon we will be selling our farm and home where we have lived these past 6 years. It has been a week of sadness and joy. 

And today, no, today could not be about me.

My daughter sat at the breakfast table looking at old wedding photos this morning, identifying familiar faces of friends and family among the guests, and told me, "Momma, I wish you still looked young like that!" 
 
You and me both, honey. The face I am wearing now is what 12 years of marriage with 3 children inducing 6 years of sleepless nights do to someone. It is a face with more wrinkles, now peppered with age spots, and a body with more rolls. 
 
It is also a heart filled with more love. 
It is arms filled with more hugs.
It is cheeks filled with more kisses.
It is a lap never empty.
It is bedtime full of more stories.
It is a brain invited to ever be creative.
It is a set of lungs filled with more laughter.
It is eyes that have shed more tears for the people I love.
It is more people to love, who fill my life and fill my heart.
It is death to selfishness in a way I was never capable of without this marriage, without this family.
 
Today's face sees youth passing, but you know, I wouldn't have it any other way.

P.S. We have a date set to officially celebrate our 12th anniversary later in the week. I want to make sure that no one leaves this post feeling sorry for me as I do not come anywhere close to living a deprived life. Sometimes we need to alter our perspective to get a million dollar view of all the blessings.

big changes

Change.

Big change, little change. 

Good change, bad change. 

Change is an inevitable part of our lives. That is one thing that will never change.

This past weekend, Christian and I had the opportunity to step back and reflect upon some of the big changes coming to our lives soon. We escaped the children for a night in order to celebrate our 10th anniversary (already?! where has the time gone!!?)  And the theme we found ourselves discussing over and over is how immensely blessed we feel as we approach a new season in our lives.

We talked about all of the circumstances that have led us to this place, the decisions that have been made over the past few months, the seeming coincidences that could only be God's perfect timing, the worry and anxiety that accompanied the process of walking forward in faith. Ultimately, it all came back around to the fact that through it all, we are experiencing countless undeserved blessings. There is a humility that comes from not fully understanding why God has allowed us to experience His grace in this magnitude... but I guess that is the basic definition of grace, isn't it? Being gifted with something we really don't deserve.

At the top of the blessing list is the baby we are adding to the family sometime around the end of September. In a future post I hope to make time to articulate the exact reasons that this particular pregnancy feels extra-special.

Not long after we received the news of my pregnancy, we also received word that Christian's place of work would be closing. Though he has essentially been self-employed for the past 7 years, this news meant unemployment. A scary thought for any young family. True to the adage someone recently quoted me, "God is never early."

On Christian's final day of work, he went in for an interview and landed a job that far outweighs his previous one. Some of the added bonuses include health benefits (Hooray! Baby's arrival will not come straight out of our pockets!) and paid vacation (something not included in the old self-employment package) and the one that has me breathing huge sighs of relief is that I will no longer be in charge of the accounting/billing/bookkeeping/client management. The new job comes with its own office manager and the timing could not be better for me as I will soon tackle managing a home with 3 little bodies. Phew.

There is so much left unsaid in this post. But I hope in all that you read, you see how incomprehensibly blessed we feel as we leave an old season of life and press on toward a new, somewhat uncharted, season. A season that will bring inevitable change to our lives and our little routine. A season that we welcome with open arms because no matter what obstacles and challenges this new era brings, we know unequivocally that God has wrapped His arms around us and ushered us into this new place.

P.S.
Oh, and, the biggest bonus of all is that we get to have Daddy with us for 2 whole months in the interim time that he has between jobs!!  The timing for this pregnant Momma could not be better. We have some travel plans brewing... more to come soon.

engagement

Can it really be that an entire decade has gone by in the blink of an eye? Actually, there have been many long days scattered generously throughout the decade, particularly long days. But 10 years sounds like such a long time, and looking back over it feels like nothing.

10 years ago today, my husband asked me to marry him.

We had travelled to Marin County (north of San Francisco) for my uncle's wedding. The day was a brilliant October Indian Summer day as only those who live on the west coast can fully appreciate. Not a glimmer of fog on the horizon. As I recall, we shared a hotel room with my parents as chaperons, which must have been awkward, but the details are eluding me. (Okay, maybe it really is starting to feel like 10 years ago.)

For most of our dating relationship, it had been clear to me that Christian was ready to ask me to marry him. I was the one holding back, hesitant to move forward. Only 6 weeks earlier we had been on a 10-day mission trip to El Salvador. Doubts had filled my heart, primarily about my own sense of readiness. I take my commitments seriously. Would I be able to give a forever-yes to this man? My mind was filled with fears that every single person must come to terms with before they wed. Is the timing right? Will I be able to live with someone who doesn't make his bed or pick up socks? Will I be the wife he is expecting? Does he know the real me who is hiding inside this exterior he thinks he loves? If he knew her, would he love her?

On this particular beautiful day of October 6, 2002, I awakened early at the hotel in Marin and went out onto the grounds to have a quiet time of prayer before our busy day of wedding and people began. I read the story in Luke chapter 1 in the Bible about Mary and Elizabeth who were both told by angels that they would be pregnant under somewhat questionable circumstances. Their response was to praise God because He had given them a gift. I wondered, Do I do the same with Your gifts, Lord?

Peace came over me and I knew that Christian was a gift given in my life and I was to praise God for him. I wrote in my journal that I was ready to marry him and I had no idea what was taking him so long to ask me!

That evening as we returned home from the wedding, Christian took a detour and stopped the car at a spot on the north side of San Francisco Bay that overlooks the Golden Gate Bridge. The sun had recently set and we sat in the 80 degree evening on a log enjoying the view. He held me close and began to sing a song that was special to me ("When You Say Nothing At All"). I felt so loved and appreciated, and told him that I would remember this evening forever. He said, "Yes, you probably will." Then, taking me completely by surprise, he got down on one knee and asked me to be his wife forever.

The timing was clearly God's because it had been only that morning that I had reached the stage of becoming impatient waiting for Christian to ask me. I recognized only in my impatience that I was truly ready and desiring to say Yes!

I found out later that Christian had been in possession of the engagement ring for weeks, carrying it around, waiting for the right opportunity.  He had contemplated popping the big question while we were in El Salvador surrounded by friends. In the end it had not felt right to him. That was clearly the Holy Spirit holding him back because he had no other way of knowing that I was wrestling with big questions. I can look back on that time of doubting and see that it was all a part of God's work in my heart to make me ready. I needed to thoroughly process some of the harder questions before I could say Yes with absolute joy and certainty.

And, I had never wanted an elaborate public engagement, which is also something Christian would not have known. Stories about women who were asked on a day when they were feeling especially grumpy or angry with their spouse made me cringe. I had wanted to simply feel surprised. And I was, in the best of ways.

Inevitably, after the wedding occurs we are dismayed in some way by our spouse, have an argument or disagreement, sometimes over something little, but also sometimes over something big. Because of the gift of timing God gave me to process through my fears, never have I questioned my decision to marry this man. Christian was a gift in my life, and my response is to praise God for it.

This photo was taken on our very first date to San Francisco. The Golden Gate is behind us.
On the right hand side somewhere is the spot we got engaged.

Here we are on the mission trip in El Salvador at a mercado where we were playing around with
some of the local items, such as the machete in Christian's hands.

Thank you, Sweet Christian, for loving me even when I am difficult to love. Thank you for listening to God as He softly whispers in your ear. Thank you for recognizing beautiful things in me that I can often not see myself. Thank you for supporting me in all my endeavors, dreams, desires, and heartaches. Thank you for choosing to love me a decade ago. 

And thank you for choosing to do so every day since. 

Love, Ashley

nine years

Has it really been that long?  It doesn't seem possible that nine years ago I wed my beloved husband on a stormy afternoon.

Here we are, celebrating our 9th anniversary on another stormy afternoon.

It rained the day of our first date and we were caught in a deluge on the boardwalk of Asilomar Beach in Monterey, collecting shells.  My khaki pants went see-through, and Christian thought I had cute legs.  It was all history after that.

It rained the day of our wedding, surprisingly enough.  No one thought it rained here in April. We danced and dined as the water poured down the windows of the Coconut Grove ballroom in Santa Cruz.

It has rained on the majority of our anniversaries since then.  It seems like God's little reminder that He remembers.  The rain is a gift from Him, a blessing, like Holy water.  An anointing, of sort, to remind us that our marriage is set apart for Him and we have been commissioned to celebrate the life we lead together, in rain or shine.

Today we celebrated with a family day to Carmel... lunch, the beach, coffee and dessert at a cafe.  It was the four of us.  We had good intentions of going on a date without the children this evening, but we have been sick for weeks (literally), and today the babysitters are sick too.  So it was a family day.  I thought I might feel cheated of time with my spouse.  Instead, I feel rejuvenated.  We celebrated our life together, here and now, nine years in the making.  Isn't that what an anniversary should be?   It is more than just an excuse to sneak away.  It is a celebration of the life we lead together, and that life now includes a few extra bodies.

I never knew it would look like this when we started our journey together on that stormy afternoon nine years ago.  Now that I am here, I wouldn't change a thing.

Thank you, my Dear, for giving me the opportunity to share in this tremendously joyful, dirty and daring, crazy, fun, loving, tearful, silly, surreal, captivating, wild adventure with you.  You still make me giggle, and you still make me sparkle.  Let's keep doing life together.

let it rain on my parade

Seven years ago today, I married the wonderful man I call my husband.

It is raining outside right now, and it reminds me of the storm that rolled in the morning of our wedding. It reminds me of the rain water pelting down on the glass ceiling of the Coconut Grove Sunroom during the reception. And it reminds me of running through the pouring rain in my wedding dress after the night was over. We made a surprise getaway as the last song, "Time To Say Goodbye", played and Christian swept me into his arms, and carried me out the door where the cats and dogs were falling. It was good weather for "sleeping" (wink wink).

We had another storm like this one on our first date when we were caught off guard walking the boardwalk in Asilomar without a raincoat. Christian thought it was cute that he could see through my khakis, and he asked me on a second date.

I remember someone telling me, not knowing my husband is half Norwegian, that it is good luck in Norway when it rains on your wedding day. I know it is not because of luck that we are still together (in fact, I think it has been lot of hard work along the way). But I do believe the rain was a special blessing, just for us. A shower that washed the earth clean, and brought new life. Water that causes things to grow.

Rain represents new beginnings. What would be a more appropriate blessing for a marriage, a new beginning, a new life together?


I love him dearly. Thank you, Lord, for this special gift of rain on our anniversary.