what really happened on halloween

It seems ironic to me that my last post was all about the drama in our home when it comes to getting dressed. Enter Halloween and an adorable costume idea that my kids would just not buy into. Boo.

You see, I have these creative ideas that I feel my kids will be dying to go along with. When I came across this gnome hat with an attached beard, I felt I must have it. Could anyone resist a chubby-cheeked towhead in suspenders?

Thus was born this year's costume endeavor to get all three of my kids to go as garden gnomes.

Don't let the adorable photos fool you into thinking that our family has it all together. That my children always get along. That they do what I ask, when I ask, without pausing to exercise their own strong wills. I have carefully sorted through the bloopers.

What really happened is that I bribed my children into cooperating in a garden gnome photo session by telling them they could be anything they wanted for the evening's trick-or-treating. I had to throw in the promise of make-up to clinch the deal. You might notice that my oldest is being quite well-behaved overall. She was dead set on getting her face painted in character.

My husband was furious with me for "wasting" time and energy (and money) on costumes I wasn't going to make our kids wear. It was definitely a dilemma.

I just don't subscribe to the school of parenting that involves making kids wear costumes they don't enjoy. Halloween is supposed to be fun for them, not just me. I spend a lot of energy throughout the week making them wear things they don't want to wear. When it is important, I will win that battle. When it doesn't better society, or better them, or disturb any honor to God, then it feels wrong to insist.

In the end, my oldest went as a fox... again. Same as last year.

I don't even know what my middle child went as. Some kind of snow princess, I guess. She wore her favorite Christmas dress, that she actually wore to school every day last week as well. With a medieval flower child headdress and her favorite red shoes. A pink wand made it into the photo as well.

The little guy was the only one without a choice. He was into it as long as the hat wasn't involved. The entire night was a constant back and forth with some adult putting the hat on his head and him removing it. Over and over this played. He did keep his pants on all night, though, which is a real triumph when it comes to keeping him dressed. This little gnome rocked trick-or-treating. He walked the whole way through the neighborhood holding his little pumpkin bucket and his flashlight shouting "Tick or Teat!" He could care less about the candy.

There are plenty of ways in this life to squash a child's spirit by enforcing things. I don't feel right contributing to it by forcing them to wear costumes. Being flexible about this is one more way that I can teach them the difference between the things that matter in life and the things that don't.

In the meantime, I got my photos, so I guess I am happy. I can only feel sincere about them by telling the real story of what happened on Halloween. All those of you out there who have children who also rebelled against conformity in some manor or another regarding a costume can sleep a little bit better tonight knowing that the photos of your friends on facebook or instagram whose children are all dressed in a set of cleverly matching disguises, smiling, getting along... well, they might not be telling the entire picture.

getting dressed

Getting dressed in the morning unleashes all kinds of drama in our household.

From "I can't find my shoes!" even though there are 3 other pairs by the door. I have decided I must have the missing pair today.

To "I don't have anything to wear!!" because my favorite dress that I have worn for the past 5 days in a row has been stolen by my mother for the purpose of washing. The other twenty thousand things in the closet will not do.

My personal favorite is "I can't wear any of my socks because they all have threads hanging off of them!!!" said in the shrillest of panicky voices. Even though we live in an age when scissors have already been invented.

And, of course, the inevitable ear-piercing shrieks surrounding hair and any attempt to tame it.

I would have thought having a boy was easier, but he continues to be on a pants strike, removing them along with his diaper at every opportunity, and non-opportunity, along the way. He is almost stronger than I am when it comes to physically fighting to put clothes on.

Getting dressed is something we do every single day, even on a lazy Saturday. If the kids have already eaten breakfast then the process of putting on clothes, and brushing teeth and hair, literally takes three and a half minutes. Boom. Ready. So much faster than this adult Momma who needs a lot more primping to be presentable. Three and a half minutes is the time if there are no tantrums in any form.

I realized recently that the majority of my parental disciplining happens while the kids are getting ready in the morning. The same morning routine we repeat every single day is a launch point for drama in all forms, rotating through the children. We get hysterical crying to kicking fits to running away to horribly mean and awful things said by children to their parents. I generally begin correction with a calm tone of voice, logical reasoning, or gently urging the child in the right direction. But as panic about being late to whichever prospective destination sets in, I resort to yelling. Sometimes short military commands in my most authoritative voice. If there is time, a child is sentenced to her room. Sometimes a spanking. It isn't a great way to start the day.

Sunday mornings are inevitably the worst. Something about that slight change in routine and the pressure of getting all five of us into the same car at the same time. By the time we pull into the church parking lot it feels like I have already run a marathon. On Sunday morning the Devil is doing his best work to keep us from leaving the house.

On the surface the issue appears to really be about the dangling thread that clearly requires us to throw away every sock we own. If only the thread wasn't tickling the ankle in such a meltdown-inducing manner, then the morning might have gone smoothly.

I have come to believe, however, there is something about the getting ready process that reveals the condition of our hearts. If it wasn't the irritating thread, it would be the missing pair of favorite underwear. If it wasn't the underwear, then it would definitely be the fact that I made two full ponytails when the child wanted two half ponytails.

Some days we wake up ready to flexibly accept and manage conflict. Some days we wake up ready for rebellion... against order, against authority, against conformity, against being told what to do, against structure when play sounds much better, against me. I have come to believe that getting our physical bodies ready is just another means for revealing the readiness of our hearts.

Getting dressed is a discipline in the simplest, most basic, form. It isn't something we always enjoy doing, but we must do it anyway. That is what makes it a discipline. Putting clothes on isn't the only discipline we should practice at the beginning of our day. If the simple act of obedience of getting dressed is the catalyst for a full stage rebellion against Momma, then perhaps the problem lies much deeper than the outfit of the day.

Perhaps the real discipline we should be practicing is the discipline of getting our hearts ready. There is a bucket load of conflict awaiting us in the big wide world. Adults and children alike, from getting stuck in traffic to working with difficult people to other kids who take the toy we were holding. Conflict is one thing we can count on.

Handling conflict with grace, and love, and peace, and gentleness, and joy, and kindness is an opportunity to be set apart as different because we believe in Jesus Christ, and all of the grace, love, peace, gentleness, joy, and kindness He shows us.

It helps me to view all of the drama we endure during our getting-ready routine as a training ground for the conflict that is inevitable outside our front doors. It reminds me that on top of getting my kids' bodies ready for school, I need to help them get their hearts ready.

In fact, getting their hearts ready, and teaching them to do it themselves, might be my most important job as a parent. The discipline of making clothing choices and practicing cheerful obedience is only the beginning of a lifetime learning true readiness for the day ahead. There is so much more to it than the clothes we put on. Teaching them to set their hearts in the right place before walking out the door is the bigger picture.

None of this is my idea. It all comes from Ephesians chapter 6:

"Therefore, put on the full armor of God...

Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place, and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace. In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one. Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God. And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints."

Eph 6:13-18

We can use a little more "feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace" around here in the mornings. So we begin with a whole lot of practice embracing our most basic discipline with joy, in hopes that one day it will get easier.

This post was inspired by a family photo session taken by a long time friend last weekend. As you might imagine, no one wanted to wear the outfits I originally picked out. I was able to bribe the girls with chocolate into wearing matching dresses. The boys (meaning the little one and the big one) didn't fall for that trick. Their original outfits disappeared into a mysterious black hole in our home. Oh well. Our photographer did a marvelous job at capturing the grins and giggles in between the grimaces. Thank you, dear friend. You did a beautiful job despite some uncooperative hearts! 

princess

It is a mystery to me how Annike first figured out what a princess is. She somehow took note of the fact that a lady wearing a glittering crown in a beautiful puffy dress is someone she wants to look like one day. It doesn't help that the Disney princesses are everywhere, or that everyone tells her she looks cute when she wears her "Cimbrella dress". Despite the influences of fairy tales, I am doing my darndest to teach her that a princess is more than a girl in a pretty dress.

One of the greatest crises the women of our current generation face is basing our self-image on our external beauty. Beauty is something we should strive for, but not the kind found in magazines. It is internal beauty that is lasting. We are born into the Royal Kingdom of Heaven when we are born again, making us daughters of the King, and therefore princesses with beauty that never fades.

This past weekend we were invited to our first "Princess Party", and as an attending mom I decided to dress the part (in my sister's prom dress... hope that was okay, Jilly!)



Even little princesses like to jump on the trampoline!

Here is the birthday girl and her mother, Rapunzel.


These little girls may not have it all figured out, but they take their cues from us. We are armed with the fashion statements of truth and righteousness, patience and hope. Perhaps if Paul had written a letter to the women of this age, it would have sounded like this:

Therefore put on the gown appropriate for wearing in the Kingdom of Heaven, so that when your identity as royalty is challenged, you may be able to stand confident, and after you have done everything, to stand.
Stand beautiful then, with the sash of truth tied around your waist, with the corset of righteousness in place,
and with your glass slippers perfectly fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.
In addition to all this, take up the wand of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.
Take the tiara of salvation and the dagger of the Spirit, which is the Word of God.
And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints.
Adaptation of Ephesians 6:13-18

Annike has been on a princess-dress kick, meaning that she never wants to take her dress off. After someone commented on how cute she looked in it, I turned to her and said, "You know that you are beautiful without that dress too, Honey. What makes you beautiful is when you are..." I paused, weighing my words so that she could understand them. But she filled in the blanks for me.
"Kind, Patient," she said.
Yep. She understands a lot more than I give her credit for.

Note: The God-breathed wording of the Ephesians verses according to the NIV translation is

"Therefore put on the full armor of God, so that when the day of evil comes, you may be able to stand your ground, and after you have done everything, to stand.
Stand firm then, with the belt of truth buckled around your waist, with the breastplate of righteousness in place,
and with your feet fitted with the readiness that comes from the gospel of peace.
In addition to all this, take up the shield of faith, with which you can extinguish all the flaming arrows of the evil one.
Take the helmet of salvation and the sword of the Spirit, which is the word of God.
And pray in the Spirit on all occasions with all kinds of prayers and requests. With this in mind, be alert and always keep on praying for all the saints." Ephesians 6:13-18

costumes

If you are not the mother of a Sesame-Street-watching toddler, you may be unfamiliar with Abby Cadabby, but that is who Annike played the part of this Halloween.

Abby is one of Elmo's newer friends who was probably added to create a stronger female monster presence for the preschoolers to look up to (did you ever notice they were all male when we were growing up?) She is actually a pink and purple fairy who does magic, and I am still trying to figure out what educational value she adds to Sesame Street. None-the-less, Annike is quite a fan, and her costume was relatively easy to put together.

While Annike is very attached to her tutus, for some reason she was resistant to putting on her Abby Cadabby costume until the very last minute, when I resorted to bribery (something I DO try to avoid with her.) This may tell you how girly she is, but the bribe was that if she put her costume on, then I would put make-up on her. She held so still for the mascara, and the lip stick, and the eye shadow, and the glitter. And when we were all done, she looked in the mirror and declared "I'm BEAOOOTIFUL!"

This is a word I have never heard her use before, and it came out with such oomf! "BEAUUUUTIFUL!" Of course it made me laugh and agree with her. But afterwards I contemplated where she picked up the idea that we are only beautiful when we put make up on. She sees me do it every day, but I make a big effort to tell her that it helps me look "awake" instead of using the word "pretty". I mean, there is no way I would go out without mascara on because no one would recognize me... but there I go again, unintentionally sending the message that it is the external applications that make us beautiful.

It is going to be a battle over the next 20 years fighting the impression our culture's image of beauty as seen in magazines, television, and even the Disney princesses will make on Annike. But the truth is that the messages she gets begin and end with me, at least for a little while they do. I have potential to be the best example of the difference between internal beauty and external beauty that she has. That means I have to wrap my own head around the way that God created ME to be beautiful first. Not with name brand jeans and just the right shade of lipstick. My true beauty stems from understanding all of the ways that God created me unique, and using those uniquities to glorify Him. I have to somehow show her that we are most beautiful when we are displaying fruit in our lives, showing love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, gentleness, and self-control to those around us. Yep, I have a lot of work to do! Maybe with Annike's help, we can embrace God's form of beauty in our lives together!

"What matters is not your outer appearance — the styling of your hair, the jewelry you wear, the cut of your clothes — but your inner disposition. Cultivate inner beauty, the gentle, gracious kind that God delights in. The holy women of old were beautiful before God that way..." 1 Peter 3:3-4 (The Message)


We had a kid's Halloween party to attend, and we gave trick-or-treating a go for the first time. We only visited about 8 different homes, but from the look of the picture below, clearly that was plenty.

tu-tu much??

Daily, this is the outfit of choice. Is there such a thing as too much tu-tu? too much pink? or too many accessories? That would be like saying there is such a thing as too much girliness, and we all know that is not true!




Limitations are not something we understand well at the age of "almost two". Come to think of it, we don't understand them all that well at the age of "adult". Moving through the day with my daughter, I am reminded that she is incapable of comprehending the reasons behind most of the restrictions I put upon her. How do you explain that it is just too cold to wear a bathing suit to the grocery store? Or that it will make her sick to eat too many jelly beans on an empty stomach? Or that her favorite pink cowboy boots are too dirty to wear in the house? At some point, I realize it is not my job to explain it to her, but instead to make good choices for her, trusting that one future day, possibly years from now, she will understand and be thankful.

This is God's role in our lives too, you know. He makes good choices for us. He sets up limitations to protect us. Rarely do we get a clear explanation from Him that we understand unquestionably. That is where the word trust comes in. At times my choices are limited to one of two ways: I can choose whether or not to trust Him. It is the same as when my daughter gets the choice to keep throwing that tantrum when I want to put a jacket on over her tu-tu, or move on with her life.

God loves us unconditionally, and though it sometimes seems that He is removing a "good thing" from my life, trusting Him always makes way for something better.

I do let Annike win some of the battles we have. She gets to exercise her independence in small ways, making her own choices, even if they are not good ones. I have discovered one advantage for myself over the battle of the tu-tu: there has been a lot less laundry to do this summer!