surrender continued

There are sounds of sweet giggles coming from the other room, little voices playing. The 4-year-old is mothering the 2-year-old who is pretending to be her pet puppy. Two little children playing beautifully with each other... until, suddenly, they are not.

The music in my ears has quickly become shrieks, and thumps, and crying, and "that's MINE!" yelled with ferocious intensity. Best friends or worst enemies... they don't always bring out the best in each other.

It amazes me how children don't realize how much they love a toy until they have to let go of it. We all have to start out somewhere on our journey of letting go of things. The question ringing in my heart is: Where does it end?

I am pleased to report that I have made it past the toy stage, and I have no trouble handing over colorful plastic animals and other things used for the make believe world. If it has no practical purpose I am happy to share, toss, or pass it on. Instead, I have graduated to learning to let go of much bigger items and aspects of my life.

At the onset of the new year, I shared about my word for the year: surrender. This word translated into a simple discipline of daily prayer for me. Each day I asked God to reveal the thing in my heart that I was hanging onto most tightly. Once identified, I continued to pray over it until I felt the freedom to let it go. After a few days of basking in my new freedom over the surrender of one item, God would begin to reveal a new one to me, in which I began the process over again. And then again, and then again.

It was all very well and good when I could see things in my heart that shouldn't be there. I didn't want unfounded fears to hold me back from God's best, and my honest desire was to hand things like that over. Even though it took work, it felt good.

But now I have gotten in really deep. Things are getting harder than I initially envisioned. I am being asked to surrender more than I expected, including aspects of my life that are positive and I believed were healthy. Things like relationships and future plans. They aren't the kind of things you can buy again at the store, and quite frankly, I am a little afraid to fully trust God with them. What if I never get them back?

We are only 3 months into the year 2016, but I am finding that there seems to be no ending place in this journey to surrender. The more my eyes are opened to the things I need to let go of, the more I realize there is no going back.

A small sampling of some specifics, and what I am learning in the process, as I am challenged in...

* ... surrendering fear of working too hard - Life seems hard enough just living "normal". Adding any big change or any new goals sounds like a lot of work! BUT I have never been a lazy person, so why would I let a little hard work prevent me from moving into something better?

* ... surrendering fear of my life not looking normal - What is "normal" anyway? The American dream easily becomes a crutch as we pursue the next thing that makes our lives more comfortable. Especially with kids, it is so easy to get caught up in "creating a future" for them. BUT those are not the dreams I want my children to chase when they grow up. Why would we raise them to be "normal" if we don't want them to pursue that kind of normal when they are older?

* ... surrendering the approval of others - Any people pleaser has trouble surrendering approval. We want to live in a world where everyone agrees with us, supports us, and there isn't any conflict. It makes us easy-going and likeable. However, making decisions can be devastating because there are people who stand on all sides of a decision and someone is inevitably left disappointed, hurt, angry, or simply with a lack of understanding. BUT Jesus was the greatest example of someone who lived to a standard that pleased God instead of others. He prioritized fulfilling His God-given purpose and remained full of integrity, gentleness, love, and kindness. Would He have had the same impact if He had worried about what His family thought of Him?

* ... surrendering Christian community - We have a community of friends who have long been steadfast encouragers to us and it would break my heart to be separated from those friendships, even for a short time. BUT our long term purpose in relationships is not to be simply fulfilled by comfortable friendships. It is instead to show compassion and love to those who don't have it. Could releasing close relationships create space in our lives to foster new relationships with those of greater need?

* ... surrendering writing time - The rare moments when our house is somewhat quiet, and the chores are mostly done, and I have deeper thoughts to process, are when I steal away to write on this blog. These stolen moments have been a great gift to me during the years of raising little children when intellectual conversation is a non-existent part of my day. I selfishly covet, and grasp for, and love this time by myself that offers me some greater purpose outside of our household. BUT God has greater purpose for me yet, and isn't quite through with me. Could it be that letting go of my need for this time might usher in room for greater purpose still?

Many of these things I am letting go of are inherently GOOD things that make for a rich life. I am learning, though, that sometimes a thing can seem so perfect that it becomes more important than trusting God. A thing can be so good that it becomes an area that hinders us from walking into something better.

Perhaps God is challenging my priorities not because they are bad in themselves, but because of the way it will form and shape my character. The same way that I teach my children to share a toy, not because I care who was holding it first, or whose name is written on the tag, but because of the bigger lesson learned in letting go.

"But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 

I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which 

God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus."

Philippians 3:13-14

~ What might God be challenging you to surrender today? ~